Posts Tagged 'priya'

journey through life

Posted by on 16 Dec 2005 | Category: Uncategorized

Life. We live through this phenomenon but seldom do we understand it.

Most of my precious moments, most of my energy have been spent to quench that inner thirst, but the fire still glows vigorously, more than ever. From my early days itself I had an aspiration, to search for the truth. I also had a dream of traveling along the foothills of the Himalayas, to the abode of Indian philosophy. I never thought it would happen; but it happened. The following is a sort of travelogue; some from the sporadic notes I made, some from my memory, but you can ‘t express it in the real form, you have to experience it yourself. The information given may contain errors, am not intending to give any wonderful geographical info or any philosophic adventures or any literature. I just wrote it down so that it may be inspiring and useful for people of similar dreams; it may good knowing how another person took such a road. This story is not a closed one, and don ‘t expect anything particular.

[If you are looking for geographical info on India, better read Lonely Planet: India; if you are keen on Indian philosophy and the mysticism around it, the best book I would recommend is ‘Search in secret India ‘ by Paul Brunton; you are just interested in some adventures in life or philosophy, read Richard Bach; for simple but revolutionary and stimulating thoughts, read Osho; for tibetan philosphic adventures mixed with logic and some science, acceptable to even those i_dont_understand_so_i_dont_believe people, read T. Lobsang Rampa. If you really wanna know life, read yourself].

am not adorning the costumes of a philosopher or a sannyasin (or a writer 😉 ). me give myself to the passions of this world, give myself to my hormones; me don ‘t differentiate what good or bad is (everything is co-existent. your definitions are relative (you say ‘apekshikam ‘ for that in Malayalam)); I live to my heart ‘s truth. but I believe that the life you live ought to have some meaning, something other than the routine style of eating, studying, sleeping, having a job, a family, children, dying… something off the usual cycle of events.

My passion for a journey got engraved in my heart and by the time I was doing my masters, I wanted to work it out somehow, I didn ‘t care whether the outcome would be fruitful or not. So our summer holidays were arriving, after our second semester exams and I thought this was the best chance. I went to the cusat library every day to collect some info on the roads I ‘ve to take, went through the maps on those dusty books, searched on google, wrote down some plans…

One day I bluntly told daddy that am going north, that I ‘ve booked the train ticket up to Delhi for 09.06.2001. He was like his mouth going O. He never gave me the consent.

I didn ‘t plan a lavish trip, as it would annihilate the fundamental cause of my journey. I had some sort of money saved from my pocket money; it was a meager amount, less than 3000 Indian rupees which is a small amount for a journey. Priya send me a money order of around 1600/- or something. 2 days before, daddy called from home and gave me 1000/- more. So after taking the to and fro tickets to Delhi (train to delhi and baaki travel by other means) and buying some essentials for the journey, I was left with something like 5000/-

I took the return ticket also so that I don ‘t have to find money for that later, whatever expenses I encounter; also I could plan my days wisely by setting a particular date for departure.

My friends were too much worried, they don ‘t know what to say, whether to encourage me or discourage me. Priya always tried to show a good face (in spite of all the worries she carried, she knew I have to go), she tried to be happy and helping before me in all the possible ways. And there were my seniors, bijoy, manoj, rajesh, sabu and all standing with me.

And you know what, few days before when I left from home to hostel; I wrote a letter saying I loved them (people at home) a lot and bla blah and abt mickey and put it in my cupboard so that they could read if I don ‘t come back.

So on 09.06.2001 at around 6 pm I was at the central railway station, ernakulam. Prem and rajesh was with me, they stood there till my train left. The train whistled at 6.25 pm and I was out to where_the_hell_am_going,_I_donno. As I sat by my window, I felt emotionless then; I think that was better than sitting worried. I don ‘t know where I was going; I don ‘t know what will happen to me. I had a vague idea of where I had to go. I just wanted to go. I knew my legs would lead me where I ought to go.

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come back

Posted by on 15 Dec 2005 | Category: Uncategorized

ring ring.. i jump out of  the bed n take the phone..  oh i cant hear anything.. is  it she? is it? is it?

It’s frustrating to know that you can’t travel back in time. to go back and change things. It’s more frustrating to know that you can’t go ahead into future and see what’s lying ahead.
I wanted to see her badly, to talk to her, to hold her hands, but I can’t. sometimes I feel like going to her place and meet her but that would be just passing the agony and guilt that I’m feeling to a lot of other people too. Life after life? Rebirth? Or just death like animals? God? Brain? Soul? Life is just being confusing and miserable. All the books I’ve studied, all the visions I’ve perceived, everything I’ve assimilated seem waste. Simply waste.

I just wanted to cry out loud to someone. That’s why I thought I would bother you. No one to talk to. It was with priya that I used to share all my silly problems and all. I want to see priya, but would I ever again?? Priya, please come back.

I just wanted to calm down the fire Or it will burn out my heart.

Sept 09, 2002

pinocchio and life at chengalathuparambil

Posted by on 15 Dec 2005 | Category: Uncategorized

wherez my blue fairy?

I shud’ve been roaming with priya these days, after the exams. We’d planned to go to mattancherry, the jew palace and other such places she haven’t yet seen and cherai again. She must be seeing better places now, right? Lucky girl! Enjoying without me. dushta… Did u see AI (“artificial intelligence”)? I wish I had met with the same blue fairy that Pinocchio once met.

Hey, I went for swimming in the nearby river (meenachil aar), after a long time.. it was refreshing. I used to go there and swim a lot, years b4, without any company. The same now. I think I’ll go and swim there whenever I feel like. Want to come with me? sure, u r most welcome! O’ I love playing with water..and ofcourse, playing with u too. When I was young, i.e. when they were in Nigeria and me at my ‘amma veedu’ at chengalam, I used to go to the nearby ‘valari’ (stream) and play and catch ‘meen’ ~ vazhakka varayan, nettiyel ponnan, etc etc, tying one end of the ‘thorth’ on my neck and catching with the other end open. Sometimes there wud be cousins or friends so that we together hold the ends and do the part. Mummy had a lot of angala-penganmar that I always had some company and really I love them a lot for that still. I was there from LKG to class I. I used to go to st.joseph’s kunnumbhagam then. Lalu uncle used to tell me the story of amoeba and her little children when I used to sleep with him. I used to fight with kitty chechi. Once I even pee-peed on her head when she was lying on bed. I will do that on u next time we make kachara. It wud be refreshing.

am a nostalgic person and I love to hold on to those sweet memories. u know, when I remember abt georgy’s childhood, one thing that comes to my memory often is this : he joined at alphonsa, bgm in LKG when I was in class 3 or 4 there. Whenever he got any sweets for bdays of his friends, he used to keep one for me till evening when we met. I still can’t deduce why he didn’t eat them all?! at such a young stage! and I devoured what he gave me without any shame!

So much blunders to keep u bored. Will tell the remaining later or u will start dozing off in front of toshu. bye da.

saw stuart little 2 today. Inspiring! Every cloud has a silver lining! thank you for standing with me in happiness and sorrow. I love you so much. Study well and keep faith. All the breast!

Sept 4, 2002

sunflower

Posted by on 15 Dec 2005 | Category: Uncategorized

She was my sunflower
I saw her one night, holding her eyes on me
I saw her glaze in the moonlight
I was in the bed
Only the window bars between us
But this sunflower was slanting towards me!
I was her sun, she was my sunflower
She looked on me, I looked on her
I gave her my sunlight, I gave her my sunshine
Morning came and the sun came down
She told me she can’t hold
Take me with you or I’ll burn
I need your light I need your heart
I can’t stand the sun’s gaze and heat
I reached for her, she leaned to me
The sun came down and shined on us
I couldn’t run away; I couldn’t turn back
It was too hot, but she arched towards me;
her last bow
Unyielding to the sun’s gravity
She burned into my heart

01.10.2002

dedicated to Priya [29.08.1979 – 13.08.2002]