Then, the troubles and feelings associated with knowing that one is adopted may be far lesser than a lifetime feeling of not belonging to anyone or anywhere at all.

i gather it was her “understanding” of why her birth mother gave her up and a marvellous real family that made her a normal kid. the only grudge that she had against her mother was she does not cook regulary ! because her mom was a buzy career mom in the 70’s. “there was a cook, but i liked my mom’s food !”

i infer that because she grew up in the same town where she was adopted, she also knew the adoption agency that she was adopted. but she always had a nagging thought, that she just wanted to see how her birth mom looked !

she fought through the identity crisis thing in the adolescence, and went into counselling too , which helped quite a bit.

i think it was quite hard for her because everything happened in the local vicinity. may be that would have been easier on her, if she was born and adopted from some other part of the country, but everything happened in the 20 kms of where she was currently living.

i knew her for an year. i visited her home twice – i thought she was an amazing personality, vivacious, with head on her shoulders and knew what she wanted and how she would go about it.

another friend who i met one year ago in the US also said that she had a friend who was adopted in the family. this girl was the only child adopted by an extremely rich industrialist family. she was told that she was adopted, but she never told anybody in school that she was adopted because of her affluent background. it did help that she was not spotted in looking different..

i think people in the cosmopolitan areas, who are liberal in their out look have an unorthodox way of adoption.

and we all know too well – good nurture can surpass over nature sometimes. raising a kid is an art, in my opinion.

I would add that having a little insight into a growing child’s psychology can help a parent to face such situations well.

To a great extent, I can agree with Anrosh.

I think the best way to deal with revealing a child’s adoption status is to tell about it according to the age and maturity level of the child…as it is growing up.How to inform and when to inform was always a concern for the adopting parents. If the child is introduced slowly to the idea of adoption, the better side of it and in a positive manner, the news will not come as traumatic shock to it. You cannot give the news suddenly to the child when he/she is old enough. That is when the trauma or shock happens!

You need to try to inculcate a positive feeling about adoption in a child before you could instill the realisation of his/her adoption. I think the worst feeling or fear a child faces is not that he/she is adopted, but that he/she was abandoned by the first parents. So, it is very important that the new adopted parents inform the child that his/her parents were good and loveable, but problems or situations arose that forced them to hand the child over to the new parents to take care. This should be done over years and not in one day of news breaking. Of course, as the child grows, more details of the adoption can be added in a way that the child could handle.

For instance, you cannot tell a child who believes in Santa Claus that there is no such thing, when he is 4 years old. That would shatter his world! But when he probably turns 10, you can slowly start telling about the possibility of the Santa’s non existence. By the time he is 12, you can tell him that Santa does not exist at all. By 14, he must have figured out a lot more himself. Maybe when he is 20, you might be sharing the dinner with him laughing over those who believe in Santa! And at 30, he must be agreeing with his child about the existence of Santa claus.

Then, as Anrosh said, there is a cultural barrier in all such issues. Taking professional help where needed could be advisable. Places like US sees a lot of adoption and so, maybe news of adoption comes easier to the adopted children there than an indian child (?). I personally know atleast two US families who have adopted children from different families and they are coping with the fact wonderfully.

There is not much sense in adopting a child at a mature age when the need of parents is almost done. Moreover, just because the child is mature, does not mean he or she understands adoption in a positive light. Probably, it will only make the adopting parents’ job easier by letting them escape the task of handling the adoption news.

Then, exceptions happen. Adoption is not easy. We have to be a mentally and emotionally strong and balanced parents to adopt in a culture where adoption is not much of a desired trend.

it makes it easier to tell the kid as early as possible, in stories that kids can understand ..i cannot write this all in one line…

i had afriend who was adopted and the parents told her as early as possible that she was adopted,with out telling that she was “adopted”. she is a normal, happy kid and we would not know that she was adopted until she told us about it.

sadly indian culture has a contorted view about it and it is helpful to seek professional help and ask the extended family to meet with professional sources so that the kid does not have a scar, if a family member blurts a word that will create a mess. And it is all the more necessary if the kid is growing up in the vicinity of extended family members.

i do not know where you are located, but i have seen amazing picture books in the US that talk about adoption that helps to talk to children –yes, very little kids.

to give a homeless child love and home, i think it is ideal to adopt after the child is old enough to realise it is being adopted. that way, the child has the benefit of making a choice too.